Hello to my dearest friends and readers, and welcome back to the rebirth of 1509 Mondays. What started as a weight loss blog is about to morph into something much more meaningful because, at its core, the 1509 Mondays represented new beginnings with each new week. I went back and reread my very first post, and I talked about how my life was finally coming together with the exception of my being fat, and that I wanted to change that part of my life before I hit 30. You followed faithfully and supported my efforts through the last blog post, but at a certain point I hit my wall, both creatively and health wise. I had a tremendous secret at the time that I was keeping, and it was really a huge part of my mission. As of Thanksgiving weekend, I had an engagement ring that was burning a hole in my pocket, and since my rededication to health was born out of my rededication to life thanks to Jenna, I had a hard time not writing about her or us and how it effected my journey. My journey was our journey, and it became increasingly difficult to not talk about my nerves and my anxieties about the upcoming proposal and everything else that was going on in my life without spilling the beans. So, I just stopped spilling them altogether.
But you all just wouldn't let it die...
So, I'm turning back to the blog to continue to chronicle my journey towards a better me. In case you hadn't heard, Jenna said yes, and we were off to the races with wedding planning. I took on the bulk of the wedding planning because I was so excited, and I wanted to keep Jenna's stress and anxiety levels to a minimum. What I didn't realize in my overzealous enthusiasm was that I was becoming the only participant in the relationship. The warning signs were all there, but I was so excited that my time had finally come. Unfortunately, Jenna wasn't as excited and was dealing with a situation that was snowballing out of her control. Exactly a month ago yesterday, Jenna decided that she couldn't continue with the relationship and needed to end it in order to keep me from getting hurt even more down the road. She didn't share my enthusiasm or feelings, so she made the decision to call it quits rather than waiting until we got closer to the day or, God forbid, after we actually signed on the dotted line.
I'm not going to lie; I was devastated. At the time I didn't understand how we could go from 120 mph to a complete stop all at once. It took me a couple of weeks and a lot of tears to realize that she made a decision that I could never have made, and that while it hurt in a way that I hadn't hurt before, I'm thankful that she was able to do it when she did. There are a lot of feelings that come with that kind of event. Although I've been reassured a million times that it wasn't anything I had done, I still felt guilty. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, sad, and angry. It was funny, because my emotional trip through the break-up mirrored my weight loss journey, and every Monday seemed to be a reset. Monday 1525 (the day after) featured the longest car ride in my life as I drove through a blizzard and ice storm by myself, trying to drive through tears, fighting off the urge to pull over and get sick. A five hour trip turned into an eight hour trip that featured NPR being turned up as loud as I could get it in hopes of drowning out the thoughts running through my mind. Monday 1526 came after my first weekend alone. I thought I had made some major emotional progress through the week, and foolishly convinced myself that I was okay to be by myself for two straight days. The result was disastrous. The negative self-talk, the constant "what-ifs" and dwellings almost totally destroyed me. I was starting to see some of the darkness creep in that I hadn't seen in a couple of years, but I was self-aware enough to not fall into old bad habits. Monday 1527 came after my first weekend where I allowed myself to drink again. I knew I wasn't ready, but I felt like I needed to prove something to myself. It resulted in me sitting in an alley outside the bar sobbing, punching the ground, and repeatedly calling Jenna over and over. It wasn't my best moment.
But something else happened on Monday 1527. I asked Jenna to call me so that I could apologize for the weekend, and she obliged. I told her that train wreck Jeff was not the Jeff that I wanted her to have as her lasting image of me. I also asked her if there was ever a chance that we could be together again as a couple, and she told me that, no, there wasn't anyway she could see it happening. With those words, it was like an immediate weight was lifted from me. No longer did I have to carry the burden of waiting forever for her to come around like I did in my first real relationship. Jenna officially set me free, and both physically and mentally I could feel myself starting to perk up. I had taken a couple of days of work off to go ice fishing at the end of that week, and even though we nearly died, it was still a fantastic weekend because I finally let myself be me again. Monday 1528 was like I was a whole new man.
In the process of all of this feeling and healing, I also had a major "life event" happen that oddly mirrored my emotional issues. The Sunday before Monday 1528 (a week ago yesterday), I was driving home from ice fishing, finally able to enjoy music again without thinking every lyric was about me. I stopped in Sauk Centre, MN, to fill up on gas. It was cold and I was only wearing a T-shirt, so I was trying to hurry the process up. In my rush to get back into my car, I reached for the receipt, quickly turned around, and got a face full of car door. I heard my nose crack and could feel the blood starting to come down my face, so I did the natural thing: I jumped back into my car so that I could bleed all over. You might consider this a stretch, but this analogy helped me a lot last week. Originally I thought I had just gotten a bloody nose and that once I stopped the bleeding, I was going to be okay (the break-up), but upon further inspection, I realized that the wound was much deeper than I had originally thought (weeks 1 and 2). Instead of doing the right thing by calling for help, I decided to tackle the issue on my own and did something reckless (drinking when I wasn't ready) and drove myself to the hospital while I was trying to stop a trauma and keep the blood out of my eyes. It turned out that I needed six stitches in my nose to hold it back together, but once those stitches were in, I knew I was going to be okay. After I left the emergency room, I called all of my friends and family to tell them about it, but to let them know that I was fine. For all of last week I had a pretty gnarly looking wound that I carried everywhere with me, but no matter how ugly it was, I knew it would eventually heal. Throughout the week there were times where it irritated me, and a couple of times where I accidentally bopped myself in the glasses and the pain came rushing back, but for the most part, as the week progressed, I began to forget it was even there. Yesterday, I got the stitches out, and while there is definitely a scar, it isn't as ugly as I initially thought it was going to be. I somehow managed to punch myself square in the nose last night when I was getting into bed, and while it still hurt, it didn't bleed or overwhelm me. There are still going to be times where I do something stupid and pick at the wound, and the scar may never go away, but I'm honestly okay.
So, here I am, Monday 1529, with a new nose and a new lease on life. I want to thank everyone for all of their love and support through it all. Your unconditional love and no-nonsense advice helped me heal at the rate I needed to heal, but still kept me from veering into a lane of depression and self-pity. I especially want to thank my parents, not only because they were in Sioux City when it happened and gave me a literal shoulder to cry on, but because they were good about not pressing the issue, even though it is in their nature to want to put that Band-Aid on my scraped knee and kiss it until it feels better. Also, either through nature or nurture they gave me the sense of humor that I've been able to use through it all. Even when it hurt the most (and even when I walked into the emergency room with blood all over my face and clothes), I was still able to keep things in perspective, try my best to keep it light hearted, and laugh my way to being better. The other great thing that came from all of this is that I'm now way more invested in my life in Minnesota. The people at work have really stepped up to take care of me, knowing that I'm kind of up here in Coon Rapids physically alone. I can 100% say that I wouldn't have made it without them, and friendships that I had pre-break up are even stronger now.
Where does that leave me and the blog? Well, with cautious optimism I'm ready to say, "I'm back (again)!" I was fairly conscious of my ability to gain 30 lbs through all of this, and I knew taking care of myself physically was essential to staying tough mentally. I slipped a little in the past week or two, and I've fallen back into the eating out all the time habits. Still, I'm not far off from where I was when I stopped blogging in December, so I'm going to jump back into this thing again and see what I can get accomplished. After all, I'm single and ready to mingle, so I've got to put my best foot forward.
Here are some things that you can expect to find in the newly reborn blog: more information about the betterment of Jeff as a whole (you guys can only read so much about my eating habits, and I can only write so much), a continued presentation of the unabashed truth, and a cautious optimism towards the future. What you won't find is whining, self-pity (well, at least not a lot), or any negative feelings towards or dirt on Jenna. A month ago I ready to spend the rest of my life with her, and while I hate what happened, I have no hate towards her. She did what she thought was best for both of us, and being a month removed, I respect her for that and still love her as the great friend she's been to me for the past three years. I truly hope she finds happiness, and I know that I will, too.
I'll leave you some song lyrics that have become my new mantra the past couple of weeks. In the midst of my iPod betraying me with five straight songs in the vein of What Hurts the Most and What She's Doing Now, I got an unexpected pick me up from Regina Spektor:
Now, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again
So, thanks for joining me again on my journey to peer inside myself, find the things I like, and then share them with the world. It should be good for a few laughs.
With much love and thanks,
Jeff
P.S.- Thanks to Jenny for pointing out the similarities of the nose/heart situations (although I totally was coming to it on my own).
P.P.S. - If you're in the market for a beautiful engagement ring, I know a guy who can get you a great deal! Just kidding, but not really.
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