Let me start with a quick weight update because I'm still obsessive about getting on a scale, especially after my speed bump this weekend. I'm happy to report that I was at 275 again this morning, down two pounds and back to where I was before my Saturday night shenanigans.
Now that we have that out of the way, let's get to what is really burning my biscuits. There are four things in this world that make me angry enough that I scream and feel like punching a wall (for the record, I've never actually punched a wall because I don't know how to patch drywall and can't imagine paying someone to do it). These four things are as follows:
1. When someone intentionally hurts my family or friends
2. When the Minnesota Vikings fumble/throw an interception/drop an interception/challenge a stupid play/waste a timeout/only run the ball 10 times when we have the best running back in the league/go for short yardage first downs and not make it. In other words, pretty much an entire Vikings football game.
3. When Sarah Palin says something. Really, just about anything. I'm not anti-Republican, just anti-her.
4. When I read the following article:
http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/11/08/twinkie.diet.professor/index.html
Now, some people would read that and be delighted. You know what has two thumbs and was less than delighted? This friggen guy here! I was so angry when I finished it that a cuss word filled tirade filled my brain. I dwelled on it all the way home last night. I sat down and pounded out a blog entry about it. Then, after I read it, I decided I better sit on it for a night so as to save the youth of our nation from being tainted with such foul language. Well, I woke up this and I'm still unhappy about it. So, in the spirit of good taste and decency, I present one of the finer segments of my rant. In place of the swears, you'll find Thanksgiving words to help brighten your November. Enjoy!
So, I just read an article on CNN about a nutrition professor at Kansas State University who ate junk food for 10 weeks and lost a total of 27 pounds. Are you pumpkining kidding me? Who does this Pilgrim think he is? I've busted my fat turkey for the last 20 years of my life to lose weight and be healthier, and this guy strolls into town and tells me that I should have been eating Twinkies, Doritos, and Ding Dongs? Well, I've got a Ding Dong for him. I looked up the nutritional facts online, and he could eat roughly 10 Twinkies a day to meet the calorie goal he was shooting for. 10 pumpkining Twinkies?! Are you kidding me? I'm sitting here as we speak eating a tuna salad pita with a diced cucumber and lettuce salad. Don't you think I'd rather be eating a bag of Doritos? You bet your turkey I would. And it isn't just his weight that is Mayflowering me off right now. All of his vitals got better! His cholesterol dropped, his triglycerides dropped, his blood pressure dropped, and his body fat dropped. This was not what I needed to hear right now. I'm trying to follow the food pyramid, lower my calories and fat content, and exercise. This mother pumpkiner is sitting on his turkey eating Ho-Ho's and losing more weight than me! At least this saint of man is eating vegetables at the table so as to not give his kids the wrong idea...you know, like that eating junk food can actually make you healthier and that the FDA is a sham. Yeah, that's right FDA! I'm calling you out, too! For years you've been pumping this impossible to live by data about serving size, calories, fat grams, and the merits of fruits and vegetables into my head, but it was all a pumpkining lie! I didn't send a message with my vote this time around, but you better believe that in two years my ballot will have a write in candidate named Jeff Pool, and his sole goal will be to take that food pyramid down. Ugh! It is just so pumpkining frustrating sometimes. I mean his study confirms what my goals of this project have been: You don't need a fad diet to lose weight, just watch your calories and fat intake. But man, this Pilgrim took it to another level that will now give me every excuse in the book to go ahead and have that 1200 calorie large Blizzard for supper because all I ate for lunch was a stalk of celery and three Twinkies. I'm torn between giving this guy the first ever Fat Kid and Stoner Hero Award or locking him away from society before he can do any more damage. I'm a strong believer in civility, but at this exact moment I'd like to say: Pumpkin you, Mark Haub. You can kiss my turkey for getting me as Mayflowered off as I would be if Sarah Palin stripped the ball from Adrian Peterson on the 1-yard line and then gave a victory speech while stomping on my sister's head. Pilgrim.
Jeff - read this:
ReplyDeletehttp://jcdfitness.com/2010/09/clean-eating-is-a-scam-and-why-you-should-abandon-it/
and the follow-up article:
http://jcdfitness.com/2010/09/clean-eating-false-beliefs-and-pulling-the-emotional-trigger/
Perhaps those will put some perspective on the Twinkie diet. We can't have you all worked up. (Although, when you are, your writing is even more funny!)
Amy, those are amazing articles and are helping me bring down my blood pressure faster than tomorrow's morning Ding Dong. I'll include them in a follow-up post later this afternoon in case people don't read the comments. Thanks!
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