First of all, I'm sorry for the week long gap in the blogs. Between being in Nebraska and being super busy at work, I haven't been able to dedicate enough time to put out anything of quality. I started two entries, read them, hated them, and decided I'd just wait until I could do it right. Consider this that effort.
The following are ten things that I now know to be true as of Monday 1511:
1. Weight Loss = Good, Weight Gain = Awful
Keeping with my unhealthy habit of weighing myself all the time, this craziness has now morphed into getting on the scale in the morning, before and after every bowel movement (I mostly just find this entertaining), when I get home from work, and before I go to bed. I know this isn't good. I know my weight fluctuates throughout the day, sometimes by as much as 10 pounds, but I just can't help myself.
I subscribe to the How Full is Your Bucket? philosophy of Tom Rath and Dr. Donald Clifton. An incredibly oversimplified explanation of the theory is that any time someone says or does something good to you or you do something good for others, you get a drop of self-esteem into your mental health bucket. When something negative occurs, it takes a drop out. If the bucket gets too full, you get overconfident and trouble ensues, but if it gets too empty, you feel pretty worthless and trouble ensues. Well, I feel like when I jump on the scale that any positive number (under 275) adds about a half a drop of self-esteem to my bucket, but anything over 275 cuts the bottom out of the bucket, puts the bucket on its head like a crown, and marches down Main Street in a self-pity parade that includes confetti and antique tractors. I have to stop doing this to myself, but I don't know how. I've replaced Doritos with carrot sticks and seem to be winning that battle, but this is one fight that I don't think I can overcome because I really feel like I need immediate feedback for my efforts, even though rational me knows darn well that bodies don't work that way.
2. Changing My Diet Was Easy...
Remarkably, I don't feel like the eating thing is killing me. I bring my own lunch to work every day, and I've found a good balance between pita sandwiches, Progresso soups, and baked potatoes so that I don't get bored and I don't feel starved. I get up early in the morning and eat a bowl of 100 calorie oatmeal, or oats as my grandma would call them. By the way, the way she says oats is one of my top 10 favorite things I love to hear. If you are ever cruising through the middle of South Dakota and find yourself in need of a warm breakfast treat, feel free to stop by her house and hear it for yourself. You won't be disappointed. I digress...
Anyway, the food thing is something that I feel like I can control. I'm cooking for myself at night and having fun making up new recipes. Between my breakfast, morning apple or banana, and lunch, I'm good until the afternoon and usually only hitting about the 500-650 total calorie mark. That allows me some room at night with supper, but I feel like I'm still doing a bang up job of mixing and matching ingredients to keep my daily calories in a good range. I actually sometimes worry that I'm not getting enough calories, but I'm honestly not hungry. If I go by my old mantra that food is meant to give me nutrition and energy, then I guess I'm covered.
3. ...But Changing My Activity Level is Not
I hate exercising. Despise it, actually. The simple thought of it makes my body tense and calls out every ounce of resistance that I can muster up. I don't feel good afterward or get a runner's high. I feel tired, sore, and awful, and usually a little wheezy. I think I have legitimate reasons, but every time I say them they just sound like I'm wussing out. Let's start with why I did the Power 90 workout one whole day and quit. This workout requires a TV and DVD player which are both located in the living room that I share with another human who has to try to eat supper five feet away while I'm sweating my butt off. Also, this room has no curtains. By the time I get home after an hour commute, he's already home and it is dark out, so not only am I asking him to give up an hour of his hard earned TV time, but I'm also risking having the neighbors sit in their living rooms watching me. Paranoid? Maybe a little, but I promise you that if I looked across the street and saw my fat neighbor kickboxing the air without his shirt on, not only would I grab a chair and the binoculars, but I'd probably track down a camera. Walking/riding bike/using exercise equipment bores the heck out of me. I have a bad case of undiagnosed adult ADD. I can't focus on anything for more than seven minutes, let alone expect my body to perform the same stupid repeating task over and over again for 30 minutes while my brain races around trying to figure out how well video cameras can record through binocular eye holes. I like playing sports, but I'm so out of shape that I'm too embarrassed to go try to play basketball with the other faculty or staff or play volleyball with my roommate when he invites me along on Wednesday nights. Just typing the word exercise over and over again has zapped every inch of energy in my body. Let's move on.
4. Not Cleaning My Plate Didn't Kill Anyone (To My Knowledge)
As a follow-up to a previous blog, I ate out three times last weekend. All three times I made the decision to leave food on my plate when my brain told me I was full. I didn't see any CNN updates about a Nigerian boy dropping dead of starvation, nor did the fry cook come out and cry tears of pain and frustration into my iced tea. I still ate fast, but hey, there were french fries left on the plate when I threw the napkin on top of it. I'll take the small victory.
5. Coffee is My Lifesaver and My Enemy
I love coffee and I love it strong. I don't need or really enjoy sugar or cream. Occasionally I'll do a coffee "treat" loaded with whipped cream and caramel, but I really prefer it black. I get up every morning and brew a pot that is supposedly six cups, pour it into my Thermos, and head to work knowing I'm set. I usually drink coffee throughout the work day, mainly because it is something to do. It helps fill in those nervous boredom spaces that I used to fill with food. This is particularly helpful on my long road trips and saved me from needing to stop for food on my last trip to Jenna. However, a minute holding a coffee cup is one less minute that I am not holding a water bottle. I don't dislike water. I get bored with it sometimes, but I don't dislike it. In fact, I usually have some with me everywhere I go. My body is super sensitive to dehydration, and I've dealt with leg/back/hand cramps on a daily basis since I was a kid. If I don't get enough water, my energy disappears, my mood swings, and my skin breaks out. The problem I'm running into is that my delicious coffee, which helps keep me busy with flavor all day, is drying me up. I remember putting water in the coffee maker in the morning, watching that same water come out as a liquid into the pot, remain a liquid into my Thermos and coffee mug, and stay a water based liquid as it goes down my throat. After that, the science of caffeine makes it mysteriously turn into something else that, despite the volume going in, results in almost nothing coming out the other end. I need to drink more water. Some days I'm awesome at it, most days I'm not. This is my new challenge for the rest of this week.
6. Men's Belt Holes Should Come in Half Sizes
I wear a belt because I have no ass. The belt never quite fits right no matter how big my waist is. I am forced to live a life trying to decide between having a piece of cheap metal cutting into my skin or having my shirt come untucked every time I stand up or sit down. I usually opt for the pain because it makes me feel thinner. Life just isn't fair.
7. A Family's Love and Support Helps Make the Hard Times Easier
I'm blessed with having a wonderful family that has always encouraged me and offered me the tools to do whatever I wanted to in life, no matter how stupid they were. Weight is an issue in my extended family, so whenever I make the decision to try to address my health they always step up with words of encouragement, money to help pay for memberships, and special meals when they know I'll be around. They've all been down the same paths before, and I sometimes get the feeling that my success could be seen as an overall win for the family. They are great, I love them, and can never adequately express how much I appreciate them.
This weekend I found that the family love can extend beyond biological links. As you all know, I spent the weekend with Jenna's family in Nebraska. I'm not just shooting for brownie points here (mmm, brownies). Her family was beyond good to me. I met most of them for the first time, and with the exception of a slight point of confusion where an uncle swore he met me before (it was another guy) and a brief ten minute freak out when Jenna and I thought we might be cousins, things couldn't have gone better. At no point did I feel unwelcome or like I didn't belong. Jenna's mom made sure there was a healthier soup option at dinner. Numerous people commented on how they had heard I was a good writer and how they'd like to read the blog. I even behaved myself around all the delicious foods and managed to walk by the dessert table without grabbing more than a cookie and a half of a brownie in a six hour period. Oh, and Jenna's mom makes fantastic coffee that went above and beyond my "strong" preference. These are people that I enjoy and that I want to spend more time around, and I hope I get a lot of chances in the future. Now the family cats are a whole other story...
8. I Won't Be in Costume...
But there's no way I'm missing the new Harry Potter movie this weekend! Yeah, I'm a geek. Love me anyway.
9. Thanksgiving is Around the Corner, Whether I'm Ready or Not
Next week is going to be tough. Thanksgiving on Thursday, family birthday celebration Friday, and my birthday gathering in Sioux Falls on Saturday. Last year at this time I battled through Thanksgiving without eating a single carb, and although I was incredibly pissed by the end of it, I survived. I'm living with different parameters this year, so I'm hoping I can do everything in moderation. My goal is to be able to see some plate under the food after I get done serving myself. Nothing can be stacked on top of anything else, either. I'll have a serving at lunch and a serving at dinner to catch anything that I didn't get the first go round. I'll also watch some football, enjoy my family, spend some quality time with Jenna, and probably take a nap. I'm going to go into the holiday with the idea that those four things are what I'm most thankful for this Thanksgiving, and the food can be an afterthought. A delicious gravy covered afterthought.
10. Another Monday Has Come and Gone, And I'm Still Standing
No matter how frustrated I might be with my current results, I haven't thrown in the towel yet. In the grand scheme of things three Mondays out of 1511 doesn't seem like much, but I've decided to look at it as the first three Mondays of the next 1511. The challenge isn't behind me, it is in front of me, and right now I've got 100% success rate. Not too shabby.
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