(Disclaimer: It was after I typed this whole post that I remembered that one of my favorite sports bloggers, Bill Simmons, had done something similar to this last week with The Wire. I've been reading Simmons for a long, long time, and his writing clearly influences the way that I write, so I just wanted to give him some credit although I didn't consciously mean to rip off his idea. That is all.)
So, without further ado:
Frank Costanza: I have been performing feats of strength all morning.
No, seriously! I've officially gotten over my hatred for working out, and I've decided to step it up a notch. I finally am starting to get my legs and lungs back because I'm playing basketball a couple of times a week. This weekend I walked to the store to get some groceries and Redbox movies (yeah, the Playstation Network is still down, so I can't use Netflix. This is like week three, and I'm losing patience and faith in Sony). I played Ultimate Frisbee with our Americorps folks and the Math tutors (even though I'd already played basketball that morning and my legs were dead). I'm not exercising five days a week, but I am enjoying the exercise that I am doing. That is so much more crucial to this being a long term success than if I had just started forcing myself on a treadmill. That's the reason that racquetball worked and the 5k didn't when I was in Sheldon. I'm starting to notice the aches and pains lessening, and I really do have more energy throughout the day. This has to be a good thing.
George: What day is today?....Aw. ..Tuesday! Damn it. I shouldn't have worked out today. Mr Wilhem has called a big meeting and now I'm gonna be sweating through the whole thing.
Jerry: Why? You took a shower.
George: Aahhrgh...it wouldn't take! Ten minutes from now, I'll be sweating all over again. I can feel it. I'm a human heat pump!
Kramer: You should take cold showers.
George: Cold showers? They're for psychotics.
Kramer: Well I take 'em! They give me a Whooooosh!
Man, do I feel George's pain here. I don't remember having such issues with this before, but I usually don't completely dry off until I get in my car to go home at the end of the day. I've got a small desktop fan that I keep blowing on my face which seems to be a decent Band-Aid for the problem, but if I have to get up and walk around, BAM!, I'm soaked again. I'm not all stinky and gross (at least I don't think I am), but still, not cool. These showers never take!
Kramer: Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty.
Man, everything is making me thirsty. I feel like I'm never not thirsty. It probably has something to do with the constant sweating all day. I really, really have to watch this because, as I said in a previous post, I am super sensitive to hydration issues. I've already noticed that I'm getting the jimmy legs at night. I always feel like I'm one funny turn from having my entire body cramp up on me. As I type, my thighs are quivering. In fact, the other night I woke up with one of the worst, weirdest cramps I've ever had in my life. It was like it was in the tendon that ran from my toe all the way up my shin. I'm not even sure if I have a tendon there, but whatever it was, it was pulling. My stupid toe was sticking straight up, which is really something since it is on my foot where the toes don't bend. While that leg was busy trying to pop my toe off, my other calf decided it needed to get in on the action. I ended up having to sleep in my recliner for the rest of the night because I didn't trust my legs to stay put in bed. I also get really, really tired and worn out when I start to get dehydrated, and I've noticed certain days where I let that get a little out of hand.
George: I'm 33 years old; I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately, to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I never had a normal... medium orgasm.
Jerry: I never had a really good pickle.
This is one of my all-time favorite Seinfeld exchanges. I sympathize with the whole still feeling like I'm in puberty while feeling the effects of old age creeping in. Maybe not in the orgasm thing (No, no, no! I'm solid in that department. Fit as a fiddle. Healthy as a horse...okay, maybe a Shetland pony, but still, solid (I'm immediately embarrassed about that entire last aside knowing that both my mother and grandmother read this, but it came out and I can't take it back because I'm too lazy to delete it)), but definitely in other ways. For instance, if I don't wash my face three times a day, I look like I should be standing over the fryer at McDonald's. From time to time, my voice still breaks. On the flip side, my hip always wants to go out of place. I get heartburn if I eat anything spicier than chicken broth. It takes me about five days to get over a night at the bar. My hair, including my beautiful red beard, is starting to become bright white, which is particularly a problem because I've got short, poofy hair, so the grays stick straight out because they are hard and wirey. I know a lot of the old age symptoms are because of the way I lived my 20's, so I'm hoping I can get some of them reversed so that I can at least have a couple of years where my body and I can get along.
Jerry: I learned something. Letting my emotions out was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Sure, I'm not funny anymore. There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
I'm happy to report that whatever emotional roller coaster I needed to go on to be well, I've officially ridden it and have come out the other side smiling. I want to thank everyone again for all of their love and support over the past couple of months. I know I don't always deal with things the way that everyone else would like to see me deal with them, but some magic combination of emotional breakdowns, isolation, sloppy bar time, deep conversations, and great advice has allowed my heart to heal 1000 times better than my nose did. Oh yeah, I have an enormous scar on my nose which was NOT what the doctor promised me on that blood-soaked night. So, yeah, thanks again to my friends, thanks for nothing to the medical profession.
George: Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but ... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong.
Jerry: If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
George: Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!
Elaine: Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.
I think that George's theory of doing the opposite was one of the biggest contributing factors to my personal growth in the past couple of months. Friends have heard me say that this is new Jeff who does the complete opposite of what Jeff from 10 years ago would have done. Instead of tuna on toast, I'm ordering chicken salad on rye, untoasted, with a side of potato salad and a cup of tea! It is as much a "Yes Man" theory as anything else. When an opportunity presents itself, I don't let myself say no anymore. Did I want to play basketball? No, but I did and now it is one of the highlights of my day. Did I want to get back into the dating world? I was a little scared, but I took the first step and haven't regretted a single minute of it. Do I want to hang out after work? I'm a hermit at heart, but I did it and I've gained such fantastic new friends from the process. I'm out there, everybody, and I'm loving every minute of it!Jerry: Are you sure you want to get married? I mean, it's a big change of life.
Elaine: Jerry, it's 3 a.m. and I'm at a cock fight. What am I clinging to?
Okay, so maybe I'm not ready to get married right this very second, but in no way have I been burned by the process. If there's one thing I've learned from all of this, it's that the best version of Jeff is the version that is giving love and being loved. As much as I enjoy sitting on my couch in my underwear watching hours of Seinfeld reruns and playing video games or going to a dirty bar and dirty dancing on some dirty girl, it turns out I'm much happier when I'm with someone sharing my smarmy comments about a movie or dirty dancing with them. Although I've dated, I've never really had to "date", if that makes sense. I'm kind of looking forward to it.
George: Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.
Amazingly enough, this is probably the philosophy I most live by. That probably disgusts most of you, but eh, what am I going to do? This general principle is the one that by far makes me the most like George than any of the other characters because I believe that in order to be the best me, it takes a little fibbing. For instance, when I started this project, did I really think I could make it six months and be successful? Of course not! What past proof did I have that I was capable of making this thing work? I was (and at times still am) scared shitless about it. To compensate, I'm overly confident on this blog about my belief in my future success, and after I type it enough, I start to believe it. There is a level of confidence and self-assurance that I have to give to myself. Look at George...he's a short, balding, stocky man who bounces from job to job and is a fairly miserable human being. Somehow, he still is one of the most arrogant, self-assured men in the world who constantly gets the girl. Now look at me...I'm the same guy, only with hair! I really have no reason to be as cocky as I am. Still, no matter how awful the hand I'm dealt or how short my comings might be, I am the best because I believe I'm the best thanks to years of studying George Costanza.
Jerry: Boy, you sure do have a lot of friends, how come I never see any of these people?
Kramer: They want to know how come they never see you.
I talk about all of these great friends of mine, but I NEED to start seeing you people more often. The last time I was in Sioux Falls, other than a pit stop in February, was back in November. The last time I saw my Sheldon friends, other than a tearful pit stop back in February, was last June. The last time I saw some of my Minnesota friends was in January. Hell, I've got some of my best friends who I haven't seen in years. My social calendar will be filled this summer.
Jerry: Golden Boy is always the first shirt I wear out of the laundry, here touch Golden Boy! But see, look at the collar, see it's fraying. Golden Boy is slowly dying. Each wash is brings him one step closer, that's what makes the T-shirt such a tragic figure.
Elaine: Why don't you just let Golden Boy soak in the sink with some Woolight?
Jerry: No!!! The reason he's iron man is because he goes out there and plays every game. Wash!!! Spin!!! Rinse!!! Spin!!! You take that away from him, you break his spirit!
I am a creature of habit when it comes to clothes. For as many clothes as I own, I often end up wearing the exact same outfits over and over again. I've owned the same pair of shoes since I started my professional career. Well, not the same pair, but the same exact make and model. When I find something that I like that I think makes me look good, I usually ride it into the ground. I'm currently dealing with the fact that some of my favorites need to be laid to rest. My parents were nice enough to buy me a new pair of brown loafers since the bottoms of my other ones had completely worn through. My favorite Gap khakis have a weird bright spot on them that I think probably came from bleach being left in the washer from the person before me (stupid communal laundry). My favorite shirt that makes me look skinny and sexy suffered from a drunken fight with some Taco Bell that resulted in a stain that I can't seem to get out. My favorite cardigan is starting to fall apart at the seams because I wear it so much. And the kicker is that because I'm losing weight, I'm starting to notice that nothing fits very well. I've sworn I wouldn't go buy a pair of shorts until I was at least back in the 30's for pants. When I went out to the store yesterday to buy a strap for my glasses for when we play basketball (easy ladies, try not to get too excited), I officially wore a pair of 38 jeans. I'm starting to get hot in my apartment wearing pants all the time, so it might be time for a shopping spree. Speaking of losing weight...
Gary Fogel: Good for you, Jack!
In case you were wondering who the great Gary Fogel is, I refer you to this clip:
I'm pretty proud of myself because the downward trend continues on. I ate out almost every single day last week, but because I added a couple of days of basketball to the rotation, I'm proud to present:
That makes a total loss of 10.6 lbs., over a third of my overall goal of 30 lbs. in just the first month. I know the first month is always the easiest, but I'm encouraged by my ability to take baby steps that have shown consistent results. This past weekend was one of the first ones since The Challenge began where I stayed home and didn't just destroy everything I'd done up until this point. I did go a little crazier than I had hoped on Friday after I weighed in, but I'm going to try to string together six solid days of effort that involve both exercise and no eating out. I'm headed to Blunt next weekend, and I would love to be able to give my mom the Mother's Day/birthday gift of having another good week. I'm hoping to get a mid-week check, so hopefully you'll know how it is going before then. Until then...
Still master of my domain,
A-fantastic Seinfeld references
ReplyDeleteB-I knew we'd be friends the second we started talking about Seinfeld and Curb
C-Congrats on the -10.